Hello, and welcome to the Midlife Business Show with Suzanne Mountain. This is the podcast that celebrates all those of us who are building a business during our middle years. I’m an ex corporate girl who started my business six years ago in my fifties. And I’m loving it. This podcast is here to inspire you with conversations with other entrepreneurs about the messy and magical ups and downs of this period of our lives. Plus, I’ll be sharing simple, actionable step by step strategies to help you build a business with impact and a life that you love

Speaker 1 (00:43):

Hello today, I’m going to be talking about a subject that comes up time and time again when I’m working with my clients and that is self confidence. Even successful business owners want to find more self-confidence. People who exude self-assurance easily influence others, build bigger, more profitable businesses, earn more money and seem to have more fun and success. 

As a coach, it is really, really common for clients to confide in me that they think they could do much more if they had more self-confidence. 

If that’s you then be assured that you are not alone in feeling like that, indeed, it’s not unusual for a client to approach me and say that that part of the agenda for us working together is to help them build their confidence. These clients view others as having more confidence than they do and feel that the lack of confidence is stopping them from living up to their true potential and building the business of their dreams.

(01:50):

We see some people who seem to just naturally have it. And we look on with envy and wonder if they’re born lucky with the right kind of parents. It’s easy to ignore the fact that self confidence is something each has to develop. 

In any case, knowing a few strategies for improving self-confidence will ensure that you feel better. And as such, you are more able to do things in your business. 

So let’s talk about it. What is this self confidence that people allude to? Well, each of us has a baseline of confidence and that’s what we’ve developed in our life so far, but it’s absolutely true that we can feel confident in one area of our lives and not in another. In my work with midlife business owners, you know, I come across some incredibly strong women who are up against really difficult circumstances and are fighting for their family, fighting for the right to be heard.

(02:51):

And you would not believe that they lack confidence because they come over with such self assurance. And then when we talk about their business and we talk about them doing things outside their comfort zone in their business, suddenly that assurance and confidence disintegrates and crumbles. 

Some people seem to have unshakable confidence built upon strong foundations, but for others of us, we find it sometimes a bit shaky. And when we are faced with criticisms or mistakes or failures or looking at what someone else is doing in their business, we find that we start to compare ourselves less favourably and those voices in our head really do start to take over. I’ve lost count of the number of times that someone has said to me that something has happened, or they’ve seen something online and it has knocked their confidence. 

So lack of confidence affects a lot of people and we often try to hide it or deny it.

 

Yet a false bravado does a poor job of replacing authentic self belief. In fact, it’s a recipe for self-fulfilling failures. Now often the problem of lack of self-confidence goes undetected. And many people try to cover up insecurities by overachieving and we see this in the online world. 

The trouble is this doesn’t work due to the negativity bias of the brain. Our brains don’t allow us to forget errors and forget the things that went wrong. And often we replay and ruminate over them in a really unhealthy way. We carry around negative scripts from childhood, from things that our parents, siblings and school teachers said to us, this continues to undermine our confidence, even as an adult, no one is immune and each and every one of us carries a kernel of under confidence and self doubt somewhere to quote Henry Ford, 

‘whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are right.’

(05:00):

So where do you feel you are on the self confidence continuum? 

Do you think you have not enough? 

Do you think it’s just about right at the moment or way too much? 

The good news is of course, that one way is to fast track this is to work with a coach who can support you on taking the action needed. 

So do you think you have the level of confidence you need to build the business you dream about. You need to develop authentic confidence and not merely buy into the false confidence if you are really going to master it. And I know that coaches talk about faking it till you make it. And whilst in the short term, you know, for one meeting or one presentation that can really work, we actually need to be working on a deeper level. You need to do the work to embed a new level of true confidence, or it becomes false. Many seemingly successful people lack an understanding of what authentic confidence is at work.

(06:06):

Some of us become skilled at projecting executive presence and self-assurance, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Our ability to influence others, coming across as authentic, secure, knowledgeable, and expert in our businesses, we try to convince others we are confident, competent and trustworthy yet. 

A large part of this is done in an effort to convince ourselves to override that little voice that whispers that you are not good enough, or you are an imposter. Sometimes those voices have origins in our past, as I’ve talked about earlier. And often we need to think about the things that we say to ourselves that we would not say to someone else in order to develop our self confidence, we need to sort our authentic self belief from leftover childhood scripts. We need to separate the two and be aware of when we’re compensating by buying into our own press releases, self doubt, and lack of confidence is pervasive and universal.

(07:16):

Yet few of us admit to our insecurities, unless we’re talking to our coach in private. This type of self-doubt plays into that inner critic and those mind monkeys. Even people who appear confident, aren’t immune and may be subject to imposter syndrome or false confidence. Frequently, these be people lack authentic self confidence. Instead they cling to organizational power or other status symbols in an effort to prove their worth. In fact, as I said earlier, many overachievers are driven to suppress inner fears by outwardly proving to the world they are worthy. And we see a great deal of this online don’t we? With people boasting about how much money they’re making in their business, about what style of lifestyle they’re creating. Not always, but often this comes back down to their own insecurities and their need for other people to celebrate their success so that they feel better about themselves. Overconfidence often stems from self doubt and insecurities.

(08:29):

It doesn’t make up for the lack of confidence and it doesn’t make it go away. 

It’s a fragile substitute that crumbles with criticism and mistakes, lack of self confidence, and thrives on negative self talk and messages that we are not good enough and such messages sabotage our best intentions when we give it a go. So how can you build your self confidence? Well, it’s not only possible, but it’s essential for anyone who wants to live up to their potential. And it’s not a mystery. How we go about doing this social scientists have studied the components so that we now have a roadmap for developing confidence. 

 

Two main qualities contribute to real self-confidence. These qualities are self-efficacy and self-esteem. We gain a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves mastering skills in achieving goals that matter. This is the confidence that if we learn and work hard in a particular area, we’ll succeed.

And it’s the type of confidence that leads people to accept difficult challenges and persist in the face of setbacks. 

This overlaps with the idea of self-esteem, which is a more general sense that we can cope with what’s going on in our lives. And that we have the right to be happy.

When I’m working with my coaching clients, although we are working on building their businesses, we explore all the areas where they are already confident. Many times, small business owners take the skills they’ve already mastered for granted. And when you explore past achievements or the things that they do in their business, you can see your capabilities with new eyes, your strengths get reinforced, and you build confidence realistically, which leads to how we create and build self-esteem. Remind yourself of all the things in your life you’ve done that have contributed to your belief in yourself.

(10:30):

By the time we get to midlife, we have been successful in so many different ways that we take for granted. You know, maybe we have long term successful relationships. Maybe we’ve been successful in bringing up our children to be decent human beings. Maybe we’ve made lifelong friends. Perhaps we’ve worked in a career for a long period of time. We have achieved so much. So looking back at these situations where we’ve achieved and been successful and reminding ourselves of these really helps build our self esteem, which then impacts our self confidence. 

Robert Kelsey says, “if you want confidence, get out there and do something. Achieve. Because nothing can replace the confidence of achievement. When it comes to confidence, achievement is gold, silver, and bronze, all rolled into one.”

 Now some people believe that self confidence can be built with affirmation, some positive thinking, and there’s some truth in this.

And it’s certainly a great place to start, but it’s just as important to build self confidence by setting and achieving goals and thereby building competence. Without this underlying competence, you don’t have self-esteem. You have shallow overconfidence with all the issues, upset and failure that stops you. 

So now I want to talk you through six tips to help you prove your confidence in business. 

The first one is to understand that confidence is a frame of mind. There is a fundamental difference between self-esteem and confidence. Confidence is what we project and what we want others to see. It’s not just about how we feel. The second one is to identify the triggers, recognize which situations or types of people make you feel confident and take time to rationally analyse what triggers these feelings, try and understand, and that you are in control and can make the choice about whether you want to project an image of confidence.

(12:40):

We can easily get trapped in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. We assume that the person we are meeting is thinking badly of us, or is going to test us in some way and mentally prepare for the worst case scenario in any given situation. The problem with this approach is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Imagine the best outcome happiness and positivity is infectious. 

 

The third tip is preparation is key. So confidence can be hugely improved through better preparation and time management. Take time before meetings to outline your objective for that meeting. What do you want to convey? And how will the time be spent? This removes the unexpected and ultimately the fear which fuels the confidence colleagues and clients alike respond well to agendas. So feel free to take control. 

Tip four is actively push yourself. So changing behaviour isn’t easy and can only be achieved through reinforcement.

Speaker 1 (13:47):

You need to step out of your comfort zone. This is why in my free Facebook group, the business confidence cafe, each Friday, we celebrate stepping out of our comfort zones with fearless Friday. The more we do, the more we push at those boundaries, the easier it becomes. By confronting your demons the fears subside.

Step five, develop assertiveness techniques. Part of being confident is being believed and communicating well. This doesn’t mean going over the top by being disingenuous, argumentative and monopolizing conversations, it can be achieved through assertiveness techniques. Moving from a passive position to contributing to a conversation and clearly articulating your viewpoint point. When we feel unconfident, we ignore social cues to contribute, embrace these moments, to add to the conversation and believe your input is valid. The more you do it, the easier it gets 

 

Step six. And my final tip for today is learn from the best.

Speaker 1 (14:56):

So watch and emulate speakers that exude confidence learn from the tone of their voice, the pace of their presentation and how they just ate. When you go networking, watch the speaker and see what you can pick up about. They’re doing. There’s also a lot of content online. Ted talks, especially attract great confidence. Speakers, confidence itself may not feel like a tangible concept, but once it’s improved, your business, success will improve no end. And as an added incentive, it comes with the personal benefits to boot as well, namely enjoying your business and your relationships more. 

So I want you to repeat after me, confidence is a frame of mind. 

If you’d like to join us in the Business Confidence Cafe, you’ll find the link in the show notes. I look forward to welcoming you in there and helping you step out of your comfort zone and grow your Business.

 

Okay. That’s a wrap for today. Thanks for listening, please subscribe. Great and review the midlife business show. And if you’ve enjoyed it, tell your business buddies all about it. Bye for now.